What Are Boundaries, Really?

By: Charmaine Patterson

Our generation plays no games. We’re all about protecting our peace, keeping positive vibes, living the soft life, and setting boundaries for anyone and anything that tries to block our blessings.

But what are boundaries for real? And why are they so hard to set, let alone keep? They might mean different things to each of us depending on our personalities, upbringing, and the trauma that we’re carrying.

On my journey to finding a therapist, I’ve been diving into this book by Nedra Glover Tawwab: Set Boundaries, Find Peace, and it definitely lives up to its name. 10/10.

Since reading this, it’s confirmed how important boundaries are and bonus: made me not feel bad setting them (shout out to those who are also working through their people-pleasing habits).

So, how does this phenomenal pro explain boundaries? Here are just a few things boundaries accomplish:

• Promote self-care
• Communicate roles in relationships
• Help you know what to expect
• Tell people how to show up for you, ultimately promoting healthy relationships
• Help you feel safe in relationships

Boundaries aren’t just all about saying “no.” They start with communicating and telling others what you need to feel safe, respected, and valued in the relationship. It could be something as simple as, “Unfortunately I won’t be able to hang out this weekend. I would love to but I’m so exhausted and need to take time to rest.” It could also be something much deeper like drawing a line in the sand with a relationship that you notice is just…unhealthy.

The tough part for many of our GODsisters comes with the follow-through. Nedra reminds me over and over again in her book that we have to stick to what we’ve communicated (it might take multiple times) to stop boundaries from being crossed. You might feel like a broken record, but that could be better than letting someone’s behavior slide if it’s negatively impacting you and your mental health.

It’s certainly not easy and there are all types of reactions you could get from pushback to simply getting ignored. Still, it’s helpful to remember that boundaries are for you and them and when done correctly, can lead to healthy relationships, instead of feelings of being overwhelmed and anxious.